Journal at 2017 August 26 5:14 am
Is it coming? My real changing moment of life. I hope it is real, as the timing is perfect. I am 34, the age of maturity, the age of action.
I always want to write it down about this very special period life but failed to find the right words .. or I don’t get enough time, energy & patience to focus to catch the flow of thoughts and emotions.
The days are running fast and I get tired of being hurried by tiny things: catching the train to be on time at work at meetings .. but I usually don’t.
I feel extremely alone in this road.
When I look up to seek for hints from people I can trust, the emotion coming from my mother loss hits me hard and it blocks all the thinking process.
I thought I need friends, socializing but it is not satisfied as it seems and it is very time expensive.
I don’t know if it is just simply a dark time of motherhood or it is the outcome of hard working and loss emotion.
I don’t feel like distress or depressed. I work hard focusing my mind on coding and producing things.
I think more about the money than before, it is somehow becomes my values. I now earn more than I planned for myself. But now “other’s number’ get into my mind.
I sometimes feel disappointed about myself.
I stay away from people.
I don’t think people can understand.
And my need to be understood by others … has dropped low.
… when you lose the desire of companion, sympathy, … you lose a path of humanity!
I don’t know exactly what it is but I want to live, real living
I want a change, positive and enthusiastic change.
Not a change to escape the reality,
But a change to a desire, for a good and purposeful life.
A good thing is that I feel like I’m becoming more independent in my thoughts. I feel less and less the needs of be listened or to be understood by others.
God is the more important existence.
But it feels ok :) I enjoy the music through my ears. I’m here and living